Suicide Angel

im sick

2006-10-17T16:51:47Z

my head is killing me and yet i'm sitting in class about to take a test that I know i'm going to fail. my head hurts so bad i can barly read, everything is a blur. anyways I'm so stressed out, so confused, why cant life just make since for once.

your never there when I need you

2006-08-05T00:09:55Z

your never there when I need you, but its ok no one ever is...

??

2006-07-11T01:00:11Z

you ever feel like no matter what you do its never enough. I just want someone to love me for who i really am and not try to change me. is that so much to ask???

hellzqueen @ 2006-07-07T12:22:00

2006-07-06T16:15:36Z

the other day when i was on daniels computer I noticed that he just made a livejournal so he can find me and see what I really think about him. so I dont know how much longer I can still talk about him here...oh well.

hellzqueen @ 2006-07-05T12:41:00

2006-07-05T16:44:17Z

well daniel and I did break up. I cant really talk about it a whole not now. givin the fact that I'm over at his house. yes I spent the night with him in his bed and yes we had sex after we broke up...when life makes since I'll let you know, but for now my world is upside down. it looks like all we did was take the emotional part out of the reationship and what we are left with is friends with benifits. I guess I dont really mind, its just sex. the fact that I once loved him and I'm not aloud to anymore gets to me alittle but hey. looking on the bright side I'm still with him...well kinda.

cant take it any more

2006-07-01T00:17:03Z

i cant take another moment of it... i cant hear about how everyone is so happy and love when the guy i love doent love me back. I hate it I wish I never met him. I'm die alittle more with each passing moment that I'm forced to hold on to a relationship thats is going no where. sunday we have the same shift at work so we agreed that on our break we are going to talk. I'm so scared that he going to break up with me it kills me...i dont want to face him while he breaking up with me. I cant stop crying...oh god please dont let him hurt me. I love him. hes the only one I have ever loved.

::sigh::

2006-06-02T02:42:03Z

there are so many sighs....the first sighs I didnt want to believe. I told myself that I was just worring to much, but after last night I dont know. I held back my tears. I didnt let him know how much he hurt me.

in other news...

we went to six flags and daniels brother came along. i dont like his brother at all. but the whole day he kept pointing out all my flaws...every single one of them. as if socity doesnt put enough pressuer on us girls to be perfect looking like the modles in the magizianes. apparetly you cant be as fat as me and not be pregnet. his brother was conviced that I have to be pregent in order to be that fat.

I know everyone says if your not happy with your self dont sit and complane get up and do something. well I'm sure i'm not the only girl in the world that knows how hard it is to lose weight. I have tried everything...dieting, diet pills, excercing, not eating at all. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I hate myself body so much....even you know daniel tells me that I'm beauitful...I dont feel beautiful...

board

2006-05-31T20:54:31Z

well right now I'm at daniels house all alone cause he had to go to work. I'm gonna sleep over to night because we are going to 6 flags tomorrow. so I'll be in his house all alone for the next 5 hours. rawr.......this monday we will be leaving to go to flordia just the two of us...I cant wait!! were going to have so much fun!!!!

i keep missing this up

2006-05-15T06:15:44Z

i told him everything and know i dont know if i can ever look at him again. i dont know if we can ever be the same... what the hell is wrong with me? I have never felt like this before no matter what I do i always seem to make things worse. all i want is for him to love me as much as i love him. My heart is burrning. i have so many feeling. I cant stand to be without him not even for a little while. I hate this... I hate this feeling. I'm afraid that I love him to much. He is going to break up me I just know it.

look at what he has done to me. I could never dream of cutting, suicide is for failers, all i want is him. hes all i think about. right now I hate myself for telling him how much i love him. oh god i really fucked this up. whats wrong with me.

hellzqueen @ 2006-05-02T10:55:00

2006-05-02T13:41:00Z

even you know I have an increadable boyfriend...I cant stop thinking that great things never last...so I keep holding back, I'm afraid to get hurt again. I love daniel and it scares me.

in other news..latly I feel like shit..I have one more final that i have to get though today at 2:00 then I'm done until the the summer classes start. I'm trying to get the guts to call Dr. Hardy. I wanted to do it last night while I was in the middle of big break down but I think that would have been to much. it would have most likly scare her into calling the cops to take me to ridge view or something. she hasnt answered my e-mail but she did tell me that her computer was down, so I guess this is a test for me. If this is something that I really want than I have to go get myself. ::sigh:: I almost cut last night but something stopped me I think it was the taught of daniel, what would he say if he saw new cuts?

last night I really scared myself but I got though it with out having to cut...I sat in my closet something I havent done in a long time. I just sat there with the door closed rocking back and forth, crying. everything was blury. I couldnt hear, I couldnt see, I couldnt breath. thanking about it now I wonder how I got though that with out cutting, but I did and that shows me that if I can get though a break down with out a cut than I should be able to get though everyday. I'm starting to learn that this whole cutting thing never really worked in the first place. all it did was leave memories (scares) of the very thing I was trying to cut away. its stupid, its pointless all it does is make thangs worse. people that cut themself are stupid...

hellzqueen @ 2006-04-27T10:08:00

2006-04-27T14:09:46Z

I went to the doctor yesterday and got a lot of bad news I'm in really bad shape right now because I havent been taking care of myself. I'm on a lot anti-biotics right now plues I just started taking bith control along with some other stuff. i feel like shit. My therapist wants me to be put back on anti-dressants beause i developed something called derealazation, and i have to admite that its not safe for me to be driving or being anywere alone for that matter, but i have to get used to the drugs that I'm on right now before i can thank about anymore.

daniel is going to pick me up from school today and we are going to hang out with some of his freinds tonight. I'm afraid that I have to tell him what is going on with me but I dont want him to leave me. well I'm putting him though a big test. i cant have sex for a while so I guess i will see if he really likes me or if its the sex he wants. I dont want him to hurt me... Oh god please let him understand.

hellzqueen @ 2006-04-21T21:32:00

2006-04-21T01:27:29Z

DANIEL AND I ARE GOING STRONG!

he says he loves being with me. he told me he loves me. he makes me happy.

its killing me

2006-04-09T05:23:48Z

we made out on the first date, it felt so right. he made me feel beautiful. he made me happy...just thanking about him put a smile on my face. second time we were together I dont think you can really call it a date but we made out again then he told me about this other girl..that he likes a "tad bit" more...what does that mean? he broke it off but said he still wanted to be freinds and still wanted to make out and stuff...why is it that guys use me like that...I'm not that great looking, but i guess my personalty is even uglyer than my looks. I would be lieing if i said it didnt hurt me...because its killing me...I wanted him...I still want him....it all felt so right. I have been walking around and just glowing with happiness because i called myself his.

cant stop crying...someone please save me, a peace of me died tonight.

well

2006-03-30T03:05:12Z

the first appt. with my new therapist Evan went really well the second witch was today was very intence He called some family vilonce place. he told me that he had to report what is going on. it makes me feel nerves about telling him anything else. i dont know what is going to happen. he said that the family vilonce place is going to give me a call and then it will be up to me if i talk to them or not. i wonder if i dont talk to them will Evan be disapointed in me. will he tell me that he cant help me just because i cant report what my father has done to me. I had to take more test. I really hope he goes over the resolts with me in our next section. we didnt really get a hole lot of time to talk or at least it didnt seem like a long time. I took 3 test one of them was about 567 questions long. Evan said that test cost 400 dollers and he usally doesnt give that test to his paitents, but he said it is nesary for me. i have no idea what that test will tell its asked me some really weaid questions. Evan whats me out of my house and he talked about getting me into a halfway house witch i really dont want to do. he also said i could go to a battered womans shelter if i wanted to. ::sigh:: i guess i will just have to wait until next to see what is going to happen

update

2006-03-16T14:16:25Z

I have an apptment with a new therapist this comming wednesday...it will be the first guy therapist i have worked with but he seems great on the phone..now i just have to figure out how to get him all my files from previes therapist and rigde view...he even wants to meet my mom...(i'm scared)

but in other news...not to go in detal or anything but i spent a woderful day with larry..i dont know what i was so worried about..it was great!!!

i had a great last sestion with jill we both started to cry..i gave her a thank you letter and she said she is going to keep it forever and thank about me...she said i was beauitful and that i'm worth so much more than what I'm getting...I love the way she didnt say good bye to me..she said I'll see you around..shes proud of how far i have come in the little time we have worked together..and I'm so thankful for her being a part of my life...

I'm finnaly getting to a point in my that it doesnt hurt to move on..I just ended a damaging relationship and though it was hard at first I know it was the right thing to do...

I'm doing just fine right now..I'm making it though one day at a time.

long time no update

2006-03-10T02:25:21Z

My dad wants me to start going to church with him on sundays he said its something we can do together...

right after he said this he started yelling at my mom again. i know that nothing will ever change, why do i even bother. why do i keep setting my self to get hurt. not just with him but with everything. larry says "I lust you" i dont want lust i want love...sex isnt all that its cracked out to be..if your not mentaly ready for it..it will hurt you. I havent seen larry since 9th grade hes comeing home for spring break and i dont love my self enough to say no to him...ok so why do i keep looking for love in all the wrong the places...I'm i just that despreat that i will let guys do what ever they want to me. i risked my life with jake doing coke and having him drive me around while he was also high on coke...it was drugs and a gang with jimmy...larry doesnt do drugs so I guess thats a start though hes very much forceful...

I dont understand why all these guys like me for my body...whats so great about this fat ugly body that is coved in scares...who in the hell would want that....

in other new I told my mom that she has to stop treating me like I'm 5 she said she is going to give me more freedom and yet she still drives me to school...do you know how embaricng it is to be in college and having your mom take you and pick you up...

well know i know why jill wants to see me next week she accepted a job at anohter college and she wants me to meet the women that is taking her place..its sweet that she is handing me over to this other lady insted of just leaving me all alone..but I really feel like crying...jill is the only one I feel confortable with..shes the only one that cared enough about me to meet me after work and go with me while I'll put my self in ridge view..shes the only one that called me while I was there...shes the only one that gave me her cell number and the only one that calls me just to see how I'm doing...i dont want her to leave me...she lives really close to me though i have no idea were..she shopes in the publix that work at. man i wish she would let me still talk to her, let me still see her...i strongly believe that she is the only adult that truly cared about me...she is the sweetist person...she has helped me in more ways than anyone could be helped....i often wished that i could get closer to her to were she would give me hugs...shes the only one that trusted my word and that means the world to me......why do i feel like I'm loosing the best thing that has ever happend to me (well at least sence britt) I love jill like a mother...i dont want her to leave me...how will i ever prepare my self for this meeting...what if i start to cry infront her.?? I need her!

hellzqueen @ 2006-02-21T13:14:00

2006-02-21T18:39:28Z

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[] I have been to Canada.

[] I have been to Europe.
[2] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[3] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[] I have been snowboarding/skiing.

[4] I have played ping pong.
[5] I swam in the ocean.
[] I have been on a whale watch.
[6] I have seen fireworks.

[] I have seen a shooting star.
[] have seen a meteor shower.
[7] I have almost drowned.
[8] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.

[9] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[10] I have had stitches.
[11] I have been on the honor roll.
[] I have had frostbite.
[12] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[13]I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[14] I currently have a job.
[] I have been ice skating.
[15] I have been rollerblading.
[] I have fallen flat on my face.
[16] I have tripped over my own feet.
[17] I have been in a fist fight.
[18] I have played video games for more than 3 hours straight.
[19] I have watched the Power Rangers.

[] I do attend Church regularly.
[20] I have played truth or dare..
[21] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[22] I've called someone stupid. And meant it.
[23] I've been in a verbal argument.
[24] I've cried in school.
[25] I've played basketball on a team.

[] I've played baseball on a team.
[] I've played football on a team.
[26] I've played soccer on a team.
[] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[27] I've played softball on a team.
[28 ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[29] I've played tennis on a team.
[] I've been on a track team.
[30] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I've bungee jumped.

[]I've climbed a rock wall.
[31] I've lost more than $20.
[32] I've called myself an idiot.
[33] I've called someone else an idiot.
[34] I've cried myself to sleep.
[35] I've had (or have) pets.
[36] I've owned a spice girls cd.
[37] I've owned a britney spears cd.
[38] I've owned an N*Sync cd.
[39] I've owned a backstreet boys cd.
[] I've mooned someone.
[40] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[41] I've been in the newspaper.
[42 ]I've been on TV.

[] I've been to Hawaii.
[] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[43] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[44] I've watched all of the Harry Potter movies.

[] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[45] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[] I've been stuffed into a locker.

[] I've been called a geek.
[46] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[47] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.

[48] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[49] I've written poetry.
[50] I've been arrested.

[51] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[52] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[53] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[54] I've had/have siblings.
[] I've been to a rock concert.

[] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[55] I've been in a play.
[56] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[57] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.

[58] I've cried in front of my friends.
[59] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[60] I've played Halo 2.
[] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[] I've been to Alaska.

[] I've been to China.
[] I've been to Spain.
[] I've been to Japan.
[61] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[62] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[63] I've had serious converstations on any IM.

[64] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[65] I've been forgiven.
[66] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[] I've cried at a chick flick.

[67] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[68] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[] I've been to a rap concert.

[] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[] I've driven on the highway
[] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day
[] I've been in a car accident

[69] I've been homesick.
[70] I've thrown up
[] I've puked all over someone.
[71] I've been horseback riding.

[] I've filled out more than 10 myspace surveys.
[72] I've spoken my mind in public.
[73] I've proved someone wrong
[74] I've been proved wrong by someone.
[] I've broken a leg.

[] I've broken an arm.
[75] I've fallen off a swing.
[76] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight.
[77] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[78] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.

[79] I've lost my backpack.
[80] I've come close to dying.
[] I've seen someone die.
[81] I've known someone who has died.
[] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.

[82] I've done modeling.
[83] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[84]I've taken something/someone for granted.
[]I've realized how good my life is.
[] I've counted my blessings.

[85] I've made fun of a classmate.
[86] I've been on a date.
[] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[87] I've asked someone on a date and been turned down.

[88] I've slapped someone in the face.
[89] I've been skateboarding.
[90] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[91] I've lied to someone to their face.
[92] I've told a little white lie.

[93] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go.
[94] I've fainted
[]I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not
[] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[95]I've been pushed into a pool.
[] I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.

in a nut shell

2005-12-30T23:35:50Z

big fight...dad told me to pack and get out...he hit mom...mom screems suicide....dad is yelling mom is crying and its all my fault...

merry fucking christmas to me

2005-12-29T03:14:18Z

first of all what is suppost to be the happist time of year is the most depressing and hardest to work though for me. this year was a little worse...well ok a lot worse...not only because of the grandparents not coming witch helps lessin the yelling around the holidays, but my parents got in a really big fight. at first i was just like "oh god not again" I was just liying in bed listing to them they were fighting over me and how its all my moms fauilt for how messed up i am...but all the suden my mom started saying how she wanted to kill her self...how she had nothing to live for. and it just hurt me so bad because she came in my room and said all of this is my fauilt...its my fauilt that my gradparents didnt come, my fauilt that my dad is abusive and of course my fauilt for her wanting to kill her self...well i felt so powerless. i went in the bathroom (with no intions) its just the only place were i can go that everyone will leave me alone... and I just cried and cried something i havent done in a long time...and one person told me that crying is ok its ok to show how you feel and crying is much better than cutting so i dont know i guess at first i felt i was ok i was working my way though this will out truning to a blade. I went to bed around 7 that night and I just couldnt sleep so i took 2 sleeping pills...i guess they were just not working fast enough so i went back in the bathroom to get some water and all there words kept playing over and over in my head so i picked up a blade i just want to hold it to look at it...i guess that was my mistake...i felf so powerless, so hopeless so yeah i used it and i kept saying to my self "i hope you are happy mom"and now i just feel stupid and that i faild at something that i was doing good at ( I now have a new understanding of what it means for this to be a constent battle) i dont know if its just something about the holidays because I cut on thanksgiving as well...now i fear new years because that is always the biggest fight of the year...(the wonderful family trudition) i'm afraid to tell ellen...who knows what she will say besides she thinks I'm doing so well. she probly would not be to happy with the fact that I'm not doing so good with the meds I just keeps forgeting to take them so I dont think they are doing me any good. its probly not safe for me to have sleeping pills even you know my they are procibed just taking 2 makes me sleep for two day strate..but yeah that was my christmas...

borderline personality disorder

2005-12-20T15:59:47Z

well my therapist diasnosied me with bpd (borderline personality disorder) i kinda knew I already had bpd but she made it all oficail but anyways i looked it just so i had a very clear understanding of what it is and man its scary how much this sounds like me...see for you self

http://www.bpdresourcecenter.org/what.htm

sry i dont know how to do a link in this thang but just put the above in your search bar thang...

hellzqueen @ 2005-12-01T22:49:00

2005-12-01T03:51:33Z

::sigh:: i miss us

hellzqueen @ 2005-12-01T16:48:00

2005-11-30T22:01:37Z

haha I like pic of me I think I look cute

before and after

haha it like me n stuff

belly ring I love it

Oh god please heal these scares and give me the strangh to resist the urge

hellzqueen @ 2005-11-17T13:31:00

2005-11-17T18:11:43Z

Whats it like to be happy? I mean really truly happy. does any one know? I have to see My therapist tomorrow she is mad at me cause jill took me to ridge view. I dont care its not like my therapist ever did anything to really help me. (seeing her once a month to "talk" is not at all helping) last time I went to see her she was talking to me about how to paralle park. yeah if I wanted to talk about how to park I would have paid all that money to go see her. I dont know what I'm going to say about being in ridge view should i tell her the turth or just say the hell with her..the hell with everyone and everything. oh yeah thanks to the meds I got a ridge view I cant eat (lost 15 pounds already) cant say thats a bad thing but they tell me not eating is a bad way to lose weight (go figur) I cant sleep. the doc gave me sleeping pills while I was in ridge view but never gave me a percrition for any when he gave me one for the other stuff. I'm dizy all the time.and cant stop shaking since I have been on this drug. oh yeah the best part of this drug is that i have incressed suicidal thoughts..before the thoughts came and went but now they stay they never leave its the first thing i think about when I wake up and the last thought I have before i fall asleep. and I cant get an appt with the doc that gave me the meds cause of my insurance...(one more way my parents screwed me over)and I cant get an appt with a kizar doctor untill dec 15 a whole month away..i tryed to stop taking the pills but that made everything worse my body is already dependant on the drug.I talked to my case manger at ridge view and she said that I need to get it changed like now or I need to be re admited (insuance wont pay for that either) and the doc that i have an appt with wont call me back I left her 4 messg. so far so I'm pretty much fucked right now. so i gave my self a dead line...a dead line to fix thangs or end things dont worry I gave my self a long time besides there is alot that has to be done before...well you know.

hellzqueen @ 2005-11-01T23:07:00

2005-11-01T04:07:50Z

I GOT MY DRIVERS LISONS TODAY......YAY!!!! I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY...WELL EXPECT FOR THE FACT THAT MY THEARPIST WANTS TO SEND ME BACK TO RIDGE VIEW TOMORROW BUT THATS ANOTHER STORY.....

just some thoughts that cross my mind

2005-10-28T22:08:28Z

"your not getting better,your just hiding"
"your killing your self with the way you thank"
"no one can help you until you help your self"
"you bring it all on your self, you lead them on"
"your only ugly because you thank you are"
"you dont have a futher,because you dont want one"
"your life sucks because you say it does"
"no one cares about you,because you dont care about your self"
"you gave up before you even started"
"you believe there lies,because you lie to your self"
"you say you hurt your self to feel, but the truth is you do it cause you dont want to feel at all"
"you say no one can help you, but if they could would you even want it"
"you stay in the dark, not because a dark cloud follows you but because you are afraid of the light"
"your only traped within your self"
"these memories only haunt you because you are afraid to let go"
"your heart only breaks because you let it"
"you want to go back only becasue you are afraid of moving foward"
"you say you can make it on your own, but the truth is in side your screaming for someone to stand by you"
"you say this smile belongs to you but its only a mask"
"you want to die because your not stong enough to handle this life,but you stay here because your afriad that not even death can save you"